The Fashion Douche (Douchous Textilius):
You may have seen this particular douche on any number of your weekend excursions. His favorite habitats seem to include upscale malls or bars with one word names (Tonic, Velvet, etc.). He is usually marked by an outfit that would likely cost more than your entire wardrobe. His collar is usually popped. You may have seen him around the turn of the century sporting an upside down visor, or a backwards visor, or some odd variation of wearing a visor. This particular species will tend to mask the stench of bullshit with some designer cologne of which he has no clue how much to use. His shirt will almost assuredly be either one of two things: striped button-down so elaborate you'd think you were looking at a magic eye poster (you remember those things? Woo 1994!), or an equally elaborate t-shirt (Ed Hardy or some knock off) with a design that spans his entire ample torso. It is this observer's belief that the object of this is similar to a bird of paradise displaying large shows of color so as to attract females only the true aim is more of a visual rufie designed to disorient the intended female.
It can be argued that this douche would rather be heard than be seen although this can be argued the other way as well. I choose to believe that this douche would rather just let the whole world know he exists through any facet of his car whether it be the high whine coming out of the oversized exhaust on his 1995 Honda Civic; the mural of Apollo streaking down the side of his 1987 Ford Mustang; or the shaking of your own chest cavity caused by the bass of a system that would give Xzibit amp envy. The Vehicular Douche is not to be confused with an actual gearhead who knows about cars and has actual grease under his fingernails. No quite the contrary he has no idea how to fix his car and will go to great lengths and spend any amount of money so that he doesn't have to worry about it (like, say airlifting your car to a shop in another country). Frequent stomping grounds for this douche include commuter parking lots after hours, or speeding in front of your house. They prefer to create nests out of clippings from import car/tuner magazines in their disproportionately small homes due to their crippling car payments. Mating calls usually involve lame jokes concerning the back seat or parking the "meat bus" somewhere.
The Scholastic Douche (Douchous Educanis):
from: http://www.abovethelaw.com/2007/02/tier_3_law_students_are_hotter.phpAs one might be able to guess this douche is marked by his sole interest: Where you went to school. This is not because he genuinely cares where you went or what you learned but only because it serves as a context for him to tell you where he went and what he studied. In a similar fashion, he will inquire about your intellectual interests only again as a point of reference. His speech patterns are marked not by listening but by waitin for you to finish talking that is if he'll let you get in a word edgewise. Favorite habitats tend to gravitate to large schools with a strong Public Policy department or equally small liberal arts schools with competitive English or Philosophy departments. The scholastic douche is usually ensconced in tweed although he enjoys the touch of a good wool sweater.
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