On Douches 2: Electric Boogaloo (a washblog)

The Fitness Douche (Douchous Gymnasius)

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It is probably self-evident that this douche's natural habitat lies at your local gym. He is likely to be adorned in all the most recent in moisture wicking sportswear. The mating call and ironically the defense mechanism for a Fitness douche are loud grunts uttered while "lifting" causing as much attention to be on him and how much he's lifting. Other forms of attack can include lecturing you on what is unhealthy about your diet. On the subject of diets, understand that the fitness douche does not eat food in the traditional sense. All items consumed by the fitness douche come in bar, gel, or liquid form. They can easily be distracted by words like electrolytes, anti-oxidants, anything ending in -ceps or -oids. While a Fitness Douche may tell you that much of his joy is derived from being physically active, it is actually derived from depriving you of the joy you get from unhealthy lifestyle choices i.e., "You wouldn't eat that if you knew what was in it".

The Music Douche (Douchous Sonicus)

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The Music Douche is sometimes categorized as another form of Fashion Douche. The difference is that while a Fashion Douche spends exorbitant amounts of money on clothes, the Music Douche will often spend exorbitant amounts of money to look like they don't spend anything on clothes. Often coiffed with a mullet or a faux hawk, or a mop that they spend hours on to make it look like they just woke up, you will find the Music Douche in any slowly gentrifying area of your city in a seedy small venue. This particular douche takes great pleasure in knowing things you don't, even if they have to say they like obscure shitty skacore bands just because you haven't heard of them. They will deny the musical talent of any band that is heard on terrestrial radio unless they preface it with "guilty pleasure" or "I like it in an ironic way". They have no mating call of their own and like a mocking bird, will either sing you their favorite b-side deep cut of their favorite obscure band or they will forgo their voice entirely and use their favorite mating tool, the mix CD. Older or more dedicated Music Douches will even dig up ancient relics to record mixtapes.

The Wine Douche (Douchous Oenophilius)

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This is another douche that really pushes the limits of something you might consider overly pretentious. The wine douche is often found in high class wine bars or your local proprieter of fine spirits. This douche is pretending to have a knowledge of a sommelier because they've seen Sideways too many times. They almost always ascribe to the policy of expensive equals good. They'll ask to keep the cork, even though it will tell you nothing about the wine. They might even have a collection of corks like others might collect actual trophies marking actual successes. They congregate in large groups called "tastings" or "parties" where they share various wines and the stinkiest cheeses; spending hours talking about wine as art or how to truly understand wine you need to have the dirt underneath your fingers and the vintage in your veins or something equally asinine. The wine douches mating ritual involves an elaborate display of swirling of the wine and loud slurping noises all designed to draw as much attention to themselves.